Previously on rescue me...
Let me help you. I can make
A better life for the both
Of us. OK, we could, um...
we could buy a place on the
Beach, OK? Or we can spend the
Next 30 years just watching
All the kids
Grow up and get married, and
Their grandkids play in the
Ocean and in the sand.
I left him alone for like
Two minutes with a couple of
The guys, and he slipped away.
He said you guys were making
Fun of him. That you called him
A retard.
Nobody called him a retard.
That's ridiculous. I'm not
Saying that he's a liar,
All right. He's probably just
Confused is all.
I think you should go.
I had an epiphany, Tom.
I'm turning over a new leaf.
A new leaf?
I got closure.
Here's my transfer form,
Chief. I want out.
From what I hear, you're
Already out.
If I hadn't snooped, then I
Wouldn't have found out what
Damien's been doing.
What's he been doing?
Holy shit. Roofies and viagra.
You can't let anyone at my
Job know about this.
I got it.
First of all, it's against
The rules obviously. Second of
All, I'm an illegal.
You want to get married in
A bar room, or the back of
A taxi, or a friggin' rest stop,
That's fine. Just tell me where,
And I'll meet you, OK?
God...
I knew you'd come around.
Janet's pregnant.
It wasn't planned. It just
Happened.
I want this. Whether it's
His or yours. I want this
Child to replace what we lost.
We're out, we're out.
There you go, there you go.
Watch it. There you go.
OK. You're good.
You know, it's a mask, man.
Not a spittoon. Jesus. Anybody
Got a rag?
You guys gotta get back up
To five.
Probe and Garrity were going
Up to five.
No, they're gonna need a
Hand. I just spoke with the
Super. The front of the
Apartment is vacant. There's
A guy living in the back. It's
Gonna be tough getting him out.
Fat guy?
Just the opposite.
Really?
Hey, guys.
Hello.
Garrity!
Are we in the right place?
This is where they said,
Right?
Holy shit.
Hey, guys. This is amazing,
Right?
Hey, are you OK, son?
Wait a minute. Give him a
Second. He can't talk. He's got
The tubie thing in his throat.
He types the words into the
Computer and it reads the words
For him and says the sentences
For him.
Get me out of here.
That chair looks kind of
Heavy. Give me
A hand here, probie.
It's not gonna work, guys.
Oh...
it's gonna take all 5 of us.
Guys, I'm telling you. It's
Not gonna work. There's water
Damage on the stairs between
The third and fourth floors.
All the weight plus the weight
Of this thing, the whole thing
Will collapse underneath us.
Wait a second. He's trying
To say something.
Will you assholes
Stop talking and get me out
Of here.
How do you
Usually get...
he's not deaf. He's just in
A wheelchair.
Oh. How do you usually get...
down the, uh...
guys, from now on, probably
Yes or no answers.
Why don't we just take him
Out of the wheelchair, guys?
That's what I'm saying.
I'll die,
You dumb shit.
Franco, take out the window.
Bring the bucket up. You two
Come with me. Find something we
Can use for a ramp. He can't
Sleep in that chair, for
Christ's sake.
You all right?
I just shit myself.
Sorry to hear about that.
It's OK. That's how I always
Do it.
* on another day,
Come on, come on,
With these ropes I tied,
Can we do no wrong?
Now we grieve
'Cause now is gone,
Things were good
When we were young,
With my teeth locked down
I can see the blood
Of a thousand men
Who have come and gone,
Now we grieve
'Cause now is gone,
Things were good
When we were young,
Is it safe to say?
Come on, come on,
Was it right to leave?
Come on, come on,
Will I ever learn?
Come on, come on,
Come on, come on *
Pretty much, you're an
Idiot.
How? How am I an idiot?
How are you an idiot?
Well, ask anyone. Blueberry
Pie counts as a fruit.
OK. Blueberry pie is not
A fruit, OK? Do you get it off
Of bushes? Do you pluck it off
Trees, huh? Do you walk out to
The field and harvest blueberry
Pie? No.
Oh, but Tom, what a wonderful
World if you could.
OK, you know what? What's in
Blueberry pie? Blueberries,
True or false?
Yeah, amongst other things.
OK. So it's a fruit.
Get in the truck.
Oh, mother of God! Get me
Off the fence. Sweet baby Jesus
Who I worship in the dark, come
And get me off the fence please,
Lord!
Calm down, lady. You moving
Around ain't gonna do any good
At all.
What's your name, honey?
Oprah.
Really?
Hey, how's the book club
Going there, oprah?
Oh, shut your face. You think
There's only one? Oprah's a
Common name.
You don't got to tell us.
You're our third one today.
What do you think, sawz-All?
Nah, too much vibration.
Partner saw
Is the way to go.
What you talking about
A saw. Ain't nobody sawing
Nothing here.
Franco grab the partner saw.
Make sure you get the right
One, huh?
Aluminum oxide blade.
Got it.
Stop talking about a saw.
Come down and help me!
Oh, Jesus.
You're gonna have to calm
Down now, OK, hon?
Don't tell me to calm down.
I'm standing here bleeding,
Stuck like a pig, and you're
Telling me to calm down.
I'll get off this fence, and
I'll take your calm down and
Shove it up your stupid white
Ass.
Well, that was very
Un-Oprah like.
OK, we're gonna cut it
Here, down here, same thing
On this side. That'll give the
Hospital plenty to work with.
Ain't nobody cutting nothing.
Get away from me, cracker.
Here we go. The saw's coming.
Just relax.
Oh! Oh...
grab her! Grab her!
My God. It's like iwo jima
All over again. You got her?
Yeah, yeah.
What happened?
I burned my eggs.
I was gone, what, 15 minutes?
You almost burned the
Goddamn house down? I told you
I was gonna make your goddamn
Eggs for you.
It was only part of the
Kitchen. Is there a fire there
Now?
No.
Well, I put it out. I'm not
Completely helpless, you know?
Can you keep it down, I'm
Trying to read.
You know what?
We gotta talk. This ain't
Working out. You know?
What if you hadn't put it
Out? What if you had burned
The whole goddamn building down?
Huh? Huh? What then?
What if you fall down and I'm
Not here, Sheila's not here,
Lou's not here? I mean, we got
To start thinking of other
Options, OK?
Now you hear this, boy-O.
Because I'm only saying it
Once. You talk about putting me
In some goddamn home ever again,
And the next fire I start...
will take out me, this whole
Apartment and quite possibly
You, too.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. 37 years on the job.
And you don't think I can't
Do it.
Hey, what are you doing?
Oh, you know.
You want to go grab like a
Brew or something?
Uh, Maggie's coming over.
We were gonna take a walk. Get
A bite to eat. You wanna come?
Uh, no. That's cool. I mean,
You guys don't want me
Hanging around. I mean, besides,
I like Maggie and everything,
But she makes me kind of, like,
Nervous.
Really, nervous, how?
Like if she looks at me too
Long, I might cry.
Yeah. I get that, too. Except
For me, it's a little more hot
Than it is scary.
Hey, uh, guys. I need a
Little input here. This is
Gonna sound kind of strange, but
I think I'm getting submarined
By a retard.
One of you guys buy a sub?
No, no, no. I'm not talking
About them. I'm talking about
Natalie's brother. Richie.
Hey, but how neat would it
Be to have your own sub?
Yeah, totally, dude.
That would be sick.
I know that he's retarded,
But I swear he's playing me,
Lou, you know? I mean, sometimes
I catch him with, like, this
Smile on his face, you know?
It's kind of like he's trying
To sabotage what I got going
On with his sister or something.
I buy it.
Yeah?
Oh, yeah. They're crafty
People, the retards. I mean,
Case in point, the special
Olympics. They call their
Olympics special. What does
That make our olympics? Not
Special. Ordinary. Run of
The mill. And what about their
Needs? They're special, too.
What about my needs? Hey, I
Know my needs, gentlemen.
And a couple of them are pretty
Goddamn special. Not to mention
Perverse.
Yeah, so what's his game?
Well, it's pretty obvious.
Oh, this will be good.
He probably feels threatened.
You know, I mean, he sees you
And his sister getting close,
And he's afraid that he might
Lose her to you. You know, and
Who's to say he'd be along for
The ride if that happened?
He's scared. Frightened. I'd be
Worried about the same thing if
I were him.
Holy shit, mikey, I think
You might, uh, I hate to say
It, be absolutely goddamn
Right there. Lou?
What can I say, he speaks
Retard, we don't.
We gotta find a place to
Eat. I'm starving. All I had
Was a pop tart and two olives
All day.
Oh, that's a good diet.
It's healthy. Hey, this is nice
Though, right, just walking out
In the fresh air? Doing a little
Window shopping? My mom and dad,
They used to do this when they
Were courting. They'd just walk
And window shop.
Did you just say courting?
Yeah.
Christ, what is this, little
House on the goddamn prairie?
Hello, that's what they used
To do back then.
Yeah, and they got
Diphtheria.
Oh, Jesus look. Wow, that's
Gonna be me someday soon.
You're gonna get a job as
A mannequin? You're not marrying
Me in a monkey suit, Sean.
No way.
I'm starting to feel like
We're really not on the same
Page here.
No, I don't think we're in
The same book.
OK, well, look. I'll do it
However you want, OK? What's
Important to me is that we are
Just standing there, taking our
Vows in the eyes of God.
All right?
Where in the eyes of God?
What do you think, Maggie,
In a church, all right, in his
House.
Can't he come to our house?
Maggie, please, will you do
This for me and for my folks?
I'm no good in churches,
Sean, they creep me out.
All those statues looking down
At me, judging, knowing all the
Dirty, promiscuous, unprotected
Sex I've had.
Whoa, whoa, OK. You know
What, that's a lot, but why
Don't you, just how much
Unprotected...
don't ask, and definitely,
We're not getting married in
The church, Sean, no way.
I can't do it.
It's not just about my
Folks, Maggie. It's about me,
Too, you know. I mean, the world
That we live in and the job that
I had and how we are together.
Listen to me...
I love you, OK? I love you in
Letters 8 miles high. But you,
You gotta do this for me.
I'm telling you, it's a deal
Breaker.
OK, fine. So we'll get
Hitched in the church. Big deal.
All right, I'll call the
Priest.
Mmm mmm. Holy cats.
A terrific meal, prepared by
A beautiful woman. I may as well
Just take a gun to my head.
'Cause it does not get any
Better than this.
That's a terrible thing
To say. Besides, we are just
Getting to the best part of
The evening. Aren't we?
Jerry?
The best part?
Look, karlene...
look, you're a terrific woman,
You know? But I just, I need
A little, uh... I don't know
If I'm ready for this yet.
You look more than ready.
Well, I am, I am, b-B-But
Not tonight. I know you're
Gonna think I'm crazy, and I'm
Sure I'm gonna be kicking myself
In the ass as soon as you walk
Out that door, but...
I need to just take some time
Here. I'll be ready for you
Soon.
You know, for a man
Looks like a garden gnome,
You got a lot of demands.
I suppose I better leave now.
So you can start kicking
Yourself.
I'll be waiting.
Oh... uh... sorry.
A friend of Lou's. I'll just,
I'll be a minute.
OK.
Hey.
Nice.
Yeah, she's cute, huh?
Yeah. How was she?
Oh, come on now. Nice guys
Don't tell. Get out of here,
Punk. You're ruining my
Afterglow.
All right. Good night.
Sorry... about that.
Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right.
OK. OK.
See you.
Bye.
Get out of the bed, whore.
What?
Get up.
What's the matter?
Tell me I didn't just
Witness what I think I just
Witnessed.
What did you witness?
She's not really a nun,
Right? She's wearing, like, a
A nun costume, like her French
Maid costume was at the dry
Cleaners or something, right?
OK... um...
your confusion is expected as
Was this conversation.
What the mind sees is sometimes
Not that which is real, but
Rather the reality which is
Brought to it.
Really?
I'm brushing up on buddhism.
The buddhist approach to
Thought and deed. Ask yourself
This, Tom. If a tree falls in
A forest, and there's no one
There to see it or hear it,
Would you still be such an
Asshole? Actually, you might
Have done me a favor there by
Discarding one of my
Possessions. That's part of the
Path to enlightenment.
OK, my foot is about to take
The enlightened path up your
Ass. Is she a nun, or is she
Not a nun?
She's a seml-Nun.
She's a seml-Nun. What does
That mean? She's in the nun
National guard? Huh?
She's the bride of Christ one
Weekend a month, what the hell
Does that mean?
Why don't you sit down and
Calm yourself, and I'll make
Us some green tea and we will
Talk.
I'm not sitting with you
And doing anything, OK? You
Have crossed a boundary,
My friend.
Oh, you have boundaries?
I have one boundary, Lou.
One boundary and one boundary
Only. No sex with nuns in the
Place where I live.
Her name is teresa azzurro.
Teresa azzurro.
Na na na na.
I met her at the market
Last week. Jeans, t-Shirt,
Leather boots. The body, you
Just got a glimpse of. We talk.
I tell her what I do. She tells
Me she's a nun. She's a nun
Until the end of the month, OK?
She's leaving the order. They
Know all about it. She's trying
To spend a few days every week
Outside of the convent trying
To adjust.
Adjust what, her vagina?
For a couple more weeks,
She's living under their roof.
She has to abide by their
Rules, and then she's out.
This could be really big for
Me, Tom.
I'm sure it is. It's a nun.
What's bigger than a nun?
A saint?
Oh, you know, Tom. I mean,
You know, I got a chance here.
She's only been with two other
Guys. One was some clown way
Back in high school, and the
Other is, you know, Jesus.
Yeah, Jesus. Our lord and
Savior who died for our sins.
That Jesus, right?
Yeah, well, the word on the
Street is, I was created in
His image, you know. And there
Are those people who say I, too,
Move in mysterious ways.
Uh-Huh, OK, and she's
Technically still married to
Him. So that means she's
Cheating on the son of God
With you.
I got a hundred pounds on
The guy, and look, no holes
In my hands. Bring it on, Jesus.
OK, you just crossed the
Second boundary. Get away
From me. Get away from me.
What?
I need to lie down.
You all right?
What's that smell?
What smell?
It's either the kitchen,
Or I think you might have
Actually burned a hole in
My soul.
Oh, yeah, that's it.
Oh, yeah. Right through the
Middle of the soul.
Yeah.
Hi, it's me.
Are you almost done with
Your shift?
Well, I got stuck on a
Call. Why, what's up?
He's gone. I said that I
Was gonna come back here and
Check up on him, make him
Dinner, and he just took off.
Who, Damien?
No, not Damien. Your dad.
He's gone.
Where could he go? He's 83
Years old. It takes him 20
Minutes to walk to the toilet.
From the tub.
He left you a note.
What's it say?
Did you try and burn down
The kitchen?
What? That's what the
Note says?
No. I'm just asking you.
Read the note.
It's just the same old shit.
It says that he's ashamed of
You, you're a terrible son,
And that you couldn't give him
A male heir, blah blah blah.
That's all it says?
No, he also said that he was
Gonna kill himself. Whose rosary
Beads are these?
What?
I found these rosary beads
Behind the door in the bathroom.
Whose are they?
Um... those are Lou's.
Lou's a catholic?
I didn't know he was into that.
Actually, he just got into it
The other night. What else does
The note say? Say where he's
Gonna kill himself? When?
No. Of course not.
Old people. They've got to be
So mysterious. Look, you better
Start going out and trying to
Find him, and I'll just stick
Around here and see if he shows
Up, OK?
All right. Thanks. Aah!
Hey.
You got problems, pal.
Nah, it's just an ingrown
Nail.
I'm serious. People around
Here feel like you're getting
A free ride. You know, 'cause
You're already somewhat of
A hero around here based on what
You did. Now you're getting
Free sex. We gotta make it
Look good.
How?
You gotta get a job.
Shit! A job and a wife.
It's getting to be just like on
The outside.
What can I tell you,
Life sucks. Even when you might
Be doing life.
That's funny.
That ain't funny.
It's funny.
You know, I appreciate you
Coming with me because I know
It's probably speed dating
Night at the convent or
Something.
That's very, very, very
Comical.
Wait a minute. Is that him?
That's an old lady, for
Christ's sake.
God, that is one ugly old
Lady.
Hey, I was thinking about the
Three of us, you know, having
Dinner.
The three of us?
I hope you're talking about
The old lady and us because
I know you're not talking to
Me about the nun because you've
Already gotten me so many
Minus points on the get to
Heaven roster.
No, I am talking about the
Nun, Tom, all right. Her name
Is teresa, OK? She happens to
Be an amazing woman. She happens
To be very smart. She happens
To be very brave, too.
A brave nun? Oh, that's
Great.
I mean, making that kind of
A life change after what she's
Been through, you know?
She's got me thinking about,
You know, my own changes.
The whole fishing boat thing.
Again with the boat?
Yeah. Again with the boat.
You know, my cousin just called
Me. He's bringing it up from
Florida next week. Going out
To montauk, meeting him. He's
Gonna take me out for the
Day, show me the ropes. Sun in
My face, wind in my hair. It's
Gonna be nice.
Look, you want the boat?
Get on the boat try the boat.
I hope you like the boat. But
Just stop talking about it.
Boat this, boat this. The boat,
The boat, the boat. I'm sick of
The goddamn boat.
OK.
You're supposed to be helping
Me look for my old man, OK?
Let's, let's go over to mcphees.
He used to drink there. Let's
See if he went back.
Mcphees is gone, Tom. It's
A korean nail salon now.
You're shitting me.
No, I'm not shitting you.
I mean, those places are like
Ragweed. Christ. You go to the
Movies, you get up to go take
A piss, you come back, korean
Nail salon.
Yeah. Yeah, let's go over
The list one more time, OK?
Yeah. Piper's den.
Nail salon.
Uh, molly noonan's.
Too far.
Irish mahoney's.
Too crowded.
Scratcher?
It's all black now.
The corkscrew.
Gay bar.
OK, what about the galway
Gael?
Gay nail salon.
Jeez, they've got their own
Nail salons now.
They do very well.
You know, Tom, I've got to
Be honest with you.
Yeah.
Part of me, you know, is kind
Of glad my parents passed
When they did. Saves me from
Having to watch them grow old,
You know, fall apart.
I'm a selfish prick, aren't I?
I know where he is.
* but the sea is wide
And I can't cross over
And I have wings to fly
Build me a boat... *
Build me a boat. What the hell
Am I gonna do with a goddamn
Boat?
Teary-Eyed, pissant song.
I hate it.
But she loved it.
Well, Martha. Here we are.
Should be the other way around,
Huh?
Hey.
Yeah.
What's going on?
Say hello to your mother.
Say hello to your mother!
OK.
Hey, ma.
She never liked that being
Said to her.
Yeah, she said it sounded
Like sheep.
She was the best woman I
Ever knew.
The best years of my life were
Spent with her.
What are you talking about?
The two of you fought like two
Wet cats in a bag.
Well, the day to day was
Rough, I admit. But the years...
were wonderful.
Come on.
Don't patronize me.
I'm not... patronizing.
I know why you want me out.
I know why you want to put me
In some home.
I never said I was gonna...
it's not because I'm some
Old, ancient bastard.
It's because... this is what's
Waiting for you. This is your
Future. You were a bright lad.
Maybe not bright, but popular.
I thought you were gonna kick
Life's ass. Now look at you now.
You got nothing. There's not
That much time, Tommy.
God, so little time.
You know...
this is what you're gonna be.
Drunk in some graveyard.
Crying like an old lady.
Come on.
Let's go home. I'm not gonna...
no, no, no.
Put you in a nursing home.
We'll figure something else out.
All right?
Leave these, leave these.
Those were her favorites.
She may want to listen.
Come on.
Put that down. Let's go.
Come on.
You're always touching me.
Now cut it out.
I'm trying to help you.
I don't need your help.
Careful. Don't let me fall.
Hold on to me.
Do you want me to touch you
Or not?
I'll tell you when to touch
Me and when not to touch me.
Now get your hands off me.
Come here. Hold on to me,
For Christ's sake.
Jesus Christ.
I want my sundae.
Yeah, yeah. It's on its way,
Rich. So, uh...
I, uh, I thought we should
Get together, you know, the
Two of us and talk over some
Stuff.
Like what?
Well, uh, like how I think
Your sister's real great. And
I care about her. And I wouldn't
Want anything or anyone to mess
Up what we got going.
I want my sundae.
Yeah. They're making it,
All right, Richie? Promise.
Nigger.
Uh, he didn't mean anything
By that, sir. He's got a little
Tourette's thing, that's all.
Yeah, I got a tourette's
Thing, too. I keep it loaded
In my glove compartment.
Sorry. Look, Richard. I know
What you're doing, OK?
You're playing a game. Now look,
I don't blame you, all right?
It's worked before, why
Shouldn't it work now? Your
Sister gets serious about some
Guy, you see the balance of
Power starting to shift. You
Kick the retard thing into
High gear, and the guy in
Question beats feet. Well, look,
You can cut that shit right now.
Because you and me, this ain't
About power, Richie. It's about
Both of us loving Natalie,
All right? It's about both of
Us being man enough to share
Her without, you know, acting
Like a couple of retards.
I think we got some stuff
In common.
Like what?
We're both smarter than
We look.
Yeah, well, could be.
So, uh, if it's OK, I wanted
To ask your permission to
Continue seeing your sister.
You know, because, I really
Dig her, Richard, I do.
And I want to spend more time
With her. And you.
Nobody ever asked me for my
Permission before.
For anything.
So you gonna pull back on
The retard shit?
Deal.
All right. My man.
There you go.
I asked for nuts.
Could we get some nuts over
Here, please? My brother asked
For nuts. Could we get some
Goddamn nuts over her?
You're crazy.
Maggie, hey, don't.
Don't do that.
What? I'm having a nicotine
Fit. I walk inside any holy
Building and my body chemistry
Goes completely ape shit.
Don't swear in here.
Ape shit is not a swear word.
It's a zoological term.
Good evening.
Hi. I'm father Daniel chaffe.
Call me father dan. Hope I
Haven't kept you waiting
Too long.
No, no. Not at all, sir.
Yeah, 20 minutes. But, like,
Who's counting?
OK, so, Sean and Maggie.
Congratulations on undertaking
The holy sacrament of marriage.
Let's be sure we got all your
Information. I assume your
Given name is Margaret?
Gavin.
What?
You said given name, it's
Gavin.
I was asking about her name
At birth.
Oh, right, sorry. Just
Trying to help.
Is it Margaret?
Uh, no.
Uh, then what is it?
It's none of your beeswax.
Maggie, hello, could you...
OK, fine.
Can't he look it up?
I'm sorry.
Peggy sue.
What? Peggy sue?
Your father was a buddy
Holly fan?
Did he name me buddy?
Is this a first marriage in
The church for both of you?
For me, yes, it is.
And it is for me, too, well,
Not counting the three stinkers
I have under my belt, but they
Weren't in the church.
First time, I got married by
A monk. Second time by a
Priestess, and third time by
Some guy in a cape on a beach
And one of us was naked.
Can I smoke in here?
Maggie, Maggie, don't,
Maggie.
He works around burning
Incense all day. What's a little
Bit more smoke gonna do to him,
Right, Sean? Right, Danny?
There's no smoking in here.
Fine. Got it.
He's probably gonna smoke
That when we leave.
Could you cut it out, please?
Jesus. Sorry.
The two of you haven't come
Here on a dare, have you?
No, no. Seriously, father.
Please forgive my fiancee.
She's having some issues with
The church. And, um, we're
Working them out. In counseling.
Uh, yes, marriage, catholic
Issue counseling. It's really
Very helpful.
I see.
And where are you receiving
This counseling?
Murphy's pub on 48th.
Maggie, could you...
I think we're done here.
Should you actually find a
Church that's willing to
Marry you, I want to wish you
Both the best of luck.
How dare you walk out on us,
You sanctimonious tool.
You have no idea how important
This is to him.
I assisted during an exorcism
In a small village outside
Nairobi in 1977. Or did we meet
Somewhere else?
5 bucks says we made the
Front page of the bulletin.
Jeez.
Hey, Tom.
Hey, Chief. Sorry I'm late.
Oh, no, that's all right.
Look, I just wanted to catch
You before you went into
The back. It's kind of on a
Personal matter, you know?
What?
Well, I, uh, I don't know
Where to start. I started seeing
This woman, and we hit it off,
You know?
Right?
And she wanted to have some
Fun the other night, and I had
To back off, you know?
Why, I thought, didn't you
And rose kind of...
yeah, that's different,
You know?
Different how?
Well, rose is almost my age,
And she's white, and this girl
Is black, and near 40,
And she's hot and big, and I
Mean, I like it, but, uh, I'm
A little scared, you know?
Scared.
Yeah, I mean, like, you know,
Tapping Mary tyler Moore's one
Thing, but eartha kitt's another
Whole story, you know?
Jesus, Mary tyler Moore and
Eartha kitt. I'd need a
Blindfold, 4 viagra and a
Strap on to do either
One of them.
I'll check into it.
OK. Sooner the better.
All right.
Thanks.
OK, fellas. I think I can
Take it from there.
Hey, am I glad to see you, baby.
You know they want me to work
Now? I gotta take a goddamn job.
Can you believe this shit?
Hey, I've been behaving like
A choir boy. I've been cleaning
My cell. Been nice to the
Guards. I even brokered a peace
Pact between the gay aryan
Alliance and the goddamn
Straight aryan alliance.
I mean, that alone took me 2
Goddamn weeks. I'm like
Kissinger in here.
Oh...
baby?
Sweetheart?
What?
You know, how come you never
Ask me about my day?
Well, I mean, if, potential
House, this one here is pretty
Cool. A tiki bar? That's enough
To make me start drinking again.
So that would be my number one
Pick. And number two, I'd...
number two, and number three.
You know what, let's just take
These three and put them into
A big what if Stack, OK?
Gosh.
What?
We totally picked
The same order.
You're shitting me, really?
All three?
Mm-Hmm.
Well, I mean, Jimmy and I
Always did kind of have the same
Taste in almost everything.
Cars, clothes...
so anyway, what did you want
To ask me?
Um, right. All right. Yeah.
This is gonna sound a little
Strange.
What?
And you're gonna want to
Scream your head off.
What?
But please resist.
What?
The urge to, stop saying
What, OK? I might need you to
Rummage around in Damien's room
And find one or two tablets of
Viagra.
Hmm?
Viagra. I need some viagra.
... OK.
It's not for me.
OK.
I'm serious. It's for the
Chief. He's got a new
Girlfriend. He's afraid about
Performing.
OK.
Just stop saying OK.
I have things to say.
It's not for me. OK, I'm not
Sleeping with anyone else, or
You right now, OK. So it's
Really for the Chief, OK? It's
For him, OK? You've got me
Saying it.
You know what...
just call me later, and if I
Happen to find some, then you
Can just come by after work
And pick it up. OK?
Ow! OK.
Sexiest girl in the world.
Thank you.
You know, she could save your
Life. What's left of it.
Yep.
Hey, stopped by my uncle
Red's house before I got
To work today. Get up there and
Hear moaning and groaning
Coming from inside.
Ah, ah, ah, I don't want
To hear it.
I let myself in, I found him
Lying naked in the bottom of
The tub.
That's better than what I
Thought you were going
To tell me, OK?
Should've seen him. One long,
Ugly wrinkle with four teeth.
He slipped in the shower last
Night. Spends the whole
Goddamn night lying flat on
His back in the bottom of the
Tub. He's got an imprint of
The drain on his scalp.
You know what that's payback
For?
What?
Your little nun thing.
Oh, yeah, anyway. He had a
Date last night. 78 years old.
Came home, decided he wanted to
Wash the stank off him. His
Words not mine.
How much did he pay for
The date?
25 bucks.
That was a rhetorical
Question.
Anyway, I'm yanking his
Skinny little Irish ass out of
The tub this morning, and I'm
Suddenly struck by the image
Of killing two birds, two very
Old birds, with one stone.
Uh, no.
Why not?
No. Forget it.
Tommy, Tommy. My uncle and
Your father. We move them in
Together. OK? They can keep
Their one good eye on each
Other, we don't have to worry.
I mean, what's gonna happen?
They gonna die at the exact
Same moment? I mean, I wouldn't
Bet on that.
Are you insane? Are you
Completely, completely out of
Your mind? You know what this
Is? It's stephen king's next
Novel, OK? Between the drinking
And the fighting and the black
Rage, you're creating a sick
Evil vortex which could
Basically wipe out most of the
Eastern seaboard.
You want to know something?
I ran it by my uncle and he's
Onboard. It's amazing what
Lying 10 hours naked on the
Bottom of a tub will do to some
People. And we called your
Father, he said, no problem.
Uncle red's tidying up the
Joint right now, says we can
Move your dad in tonight.
What do you think?
It's on your head.
Hey, look, what are you
Worried about? OK, besides the
Vortex and the subsequent
Millions of innocent lives
Lost, I don't see the downside.
You should be thanking me.
Uh-Huh.
Now, if it's a boy, OK,
What about, roman?
Roman?
Yeah.
As in polanski?
No, like in Gabriel.
Oh, Gabriel. I like that.
I like Gabriel.
You do?
Yeah, it's strong, but it's
Sexy.
Yes. Yes, it is.
OK, but, just bear with me,
I got it. All right, you ready
For this?
Uh-Huh.
Namath Gavin. Huh? How cool
Is that?
Namath?
Yeah, it's sexy, it's strong.
Uh-Huh. Honey, let me ask you
Something, is that whole list
Just a list of names of past
And present nfl quarterbacks?
Well, yeah.
Yeah, and that's where you
Came up with the idea of namath
Gavin?
Well, actually, I was
Thinking more along the lines
Of Joe montana, but then, you
Kind of latched on to the whole
Roman Gabriel last name angle,
So I called an audible, right,
I scrambled.
Nice.
But I truly believe that
Namath Gavin is an original,
Great name. Huh?
No?
Go to work.
Yeah. Just think about
Namath. It's sexy and it's
Strong.
And do me a favor and think
About a new list.
Pension?
Oh! What the hell?
Crunching some numbers, huh?
Thinking about getting out?
No. Just, you know, you've
Been talking about, you know,
Your pension and retirement,
Blah blah blah. I just thought,
Hey, you know what, I never
Really sat down and thought
Based on my overtime, you know,
This year, and my salary,
What would I leave with if I
Wanted to leave, not that I'm
Thinking of leaving. And it's
Not as bad as I thought it
Would be. I mean, it would be
Tight with Janet and the
Divorce and the kids and
Everything, but...
but it's tempting, right?
Hey, maybe I can get you on
The boat. You know, there might
Be room. I'll put in a call.
I don't know about tempting,
You know?
But you know, figures are
Figures, Lou. You start really
Thinking about this shit, and
You know, I think about those
Kids I saw over at needles'
Firehouse, man. I mean, they're
Kids. They're really kids.
You know, and then I think
About our probie, you know?
What he was like when he first
Came in here. He didn't know
His ass from his elbow. And
You think about this kid in
A fire, then you think about
What he did just in the
Stackhouse thing, man he was
Key. He was the man that day,
And he learned all that shit
From us. Those kids in needles'
Firehouse, like that's what
He's doing. I think you have
A responsibility to teach them
Enough so they can handle it
Before you leave them on their
Own.
Yeah, you know, but, at what
Point does it stop, t?
I mean, what point do you
Stand back and say to yourself,
Jeez, you know, I'm lucky to
Still be alive. And there's a
Little time left. I mean, you
Know, you've got two kids,
What about them?
Tommy?
Oh, Jesus! What the hell?
Sorry.
Why is everybody sneaking up
On me today?
Can I talk to you for a sec?
About what?
It's sort of about the gay
Thing.
Mikey, I really don't feel
Like talking about the gay
Thing right now.
I know you've just been so
Supportive, I thought maybe I
Could get some advice, you
Know?
About what?
Well, I was in barney's
Yesterday, I went to get a new
Shirt, and I wandered around
For like 3 hours.
That can happen with anybody.
You're looking at ties and
Whatever. You lose track of...
well, they were selling
Face cream. You know, like
Face cream for guys, and I
Tried a sample, and my pores
Felt great.
Franco uses face creams.
I mean, that doesn't mean
Anything.
On my way home, I stopped,
And I got a pedicure.
Again, I mean, that's not...
and then, I got my ass
Waxed.
Whew...
you got any girls left on your
Cell phone? Any numbers?
Yeah.
Well, you need to call some
Girl that you know. Some girl
That you can, you know, screw
Around with. I mean, that's
The best thing I can tell you.
You just gotta remind yourself
How, how great... chicks are.
You know, remind yourself how
Soft their hair is. How soft
Their skin is, what they smell
Like. You know, the curve of
Their hips. Tits, kid.
Think tits.
Thanks, t.
Yoo-Hoo, Tom, it's Sheila.
I got a little message for you.
I found a couple of those
You know whatskis in Damien's
Room that you were looking for,
So, I don't know, call me back,
Or just stop by after work and
Pick them up, OK? I gotta go,
OK, bye. Hi. Sorry, sorry,
Sorry.
Ms. Keefe, janine klein.
Pleasure to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
So, I understand you're
Interested in our beachfront
Properties.
I am. I am actually
Interested in this one
Specifically. That's my
Favorite. And my friend, my
Male friend, my male friend
That I was just on the phone
With whose actually my late
Husband's cousin who may at
Some point be living with me
In this home, it's so
Complicated, I'll tell you
About it later. Anyway, this
Is his favorite, too.
OK.
It's still available, right?
Oh, yes.
Good. I'll take it.
Um, don't you want to see
The property first?
Well, does it look like it
Does in the pictures?
Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
And, um, it's pretty on
The inside?
It's adorable.
Then it's mine.
Who should I make this out to?
Hey.
Hello.
You ain't returning any of
My calls, and that is just not
Very polite.
Yeah, well, you're the
Expert on polite. Oh, wait.
No, you're not.
I got you a present.
Two avocados?
Yeah, well, I was trying to
Come up with a peace offering.
So I thought I'd make you a
Cake or something only I don't
Know how to cook or any of that
Shit, so I thought I'd go to
The store, and I'd buy you a
Cake, only they're too
Expensive. And I can't go to
My bakery because I told the
Guy that his cannolis tasted
Like cat piss. So I got the
Avocados. I think they're ripe.
OK, well, I, um, I talked
To father dan, or tried to,
Turns out we've been banned
From getting married anywhere
Near the diocese much less
In it.
Well, Sean, I am sorry.
I really am. Can you not hear
Me saying it? I am sorry.
Maggie Gavin is saying she's
Sorry. She must really be in
Love, huh?
She is, Sean. In letters
8 miles high.
Well, you know what,
Maggie, after your performance
The other day with the priest,
I went home, and I was really
Upset, and I was thinking
About you, and I threw up.
And I thought to myself, you
Know what, I'm not the smartest
Guy on the planet, but maybe
You shouldn't get married to
A person that actually makes
You throw up.
OK, I don't like to puke.
It's not gonna work.
Sean.
You're making me cry. You're
Such an asshole!
Sean, that is so unfair!
Here you go, Mike. Sangria.
My own kick-Ass recipe.
I made a great, big batch of it
In honor of your moving in.
Hey, you hear that?
Never got any goddamn sangria
At your place.
So listen up, before you two
Punks hit the bricks, I got a
Couple of things I want to make
Clear. This is my house, we go
By my rules.
You hear that, dad?
Hey, I'm not talking to him,
Ass face, I'm talking to
You two.
Ass face? That's a good
One, red.
You don't show up
Unannounced. You call first.
'Cause we might be busy. Or we
May not be in the mood to look
At your ugly mugs. If we need
Something from you, we'll call
You, otherwise, back off.
I catch you snooping around,
Checking on us, there'll be a
Beating in it for you.
Look at 'em, red. You know
Dumb and dumber, this is
Dickless and dicklesser.
Ready to go?
How do you feel?
So much better. That was
Incredible.
I'm always here to help,
Mike. You have another crisis,
Just give me a call.
You think I'm OK?
What do you think?
I think I'd like a sandwich.
Good for you, slugger.
You know your...
your hair's like, so soft
And silky. It smells so good.
What do you use, like some kind
Of, like, nice conditioner or
Something, 'cause you know,
My 'do's really been bumming me
Out lately. I feel like I got
This, like, dry hair and split
Ends and, what are you doing?
We gotta go again.
Oh, God!
Oh! Whew!
Oh, man!
Oh, yeah, wicked.
Wicked man Mr. Reilly.
That I am. Everything
All right?
Glorious. I'm very impressed
By your stamina.
I mean, Mr. Wonderful here,
We had a little help.
Oh, and they say it's hard
To find good help these days.
Madonna.
Yeah. She's awesome, man.
She's a badass bitch.
I can't believe I'm actually
Hearing this.
The wifey wanted to go
See it. You know, so we wanted
Nd some qt together.
And don't make the obvious
Queer time joke either.
That's old.
Look, this ain't about
Queers. I mean madonna's whole
Show is full of them. Right?
There's about 40 of them
Dancing up on stage. Maybe 15
Costume changes for her and
The guys. It's deep, bro.
Oh! Oh, Jesus.
What's wrong, baby?
God, my chest.
Jerry, what is it?
I can't breathe.
Tell me what's wrong.
Oh, God. I think you better
Call somebody. Oh, God!
You're gonna be OK, Jerry.
Please, call somebody.
Don't worry. You're gonna
Be fine.
Karlene, call 911.
You don't need to call
Anybody.
You need to call somebody.
I need help.
Nobody can know about this.
They'll find out I was here.
I'll lose my job. I'll lose
Everything.
I was never here, Jerry.
You gotta remember that.
Karlene, you gotta...
karlene, please, wait.
Help me here.
I got one word for you.
Faggy?
No. Cher.
Oh, Jesus. It's 4:30 in
The morning. This is no time
To be having this discussion.
Hey, there's no smoking in
The car, bro. Take the smoke
Out. You're gonna mess up my new
Shirt.
Listen, luis, luis. Let me
Break it down to you, all right?
Cher, she invented that shit.
I saw her live like 10, 12
Years ago. And every outfit
That she changed into, every
Pair of pants...
yeah?
Assless.
You mean like those...
yeah, I'm talking no
Material covering the ass area.
Bare assed, assed out, dancing
On the stage for two hours.
And Cher's got a gold medal ass.
You tell your little friend
Madonna to match that action.
Does Cher have a song where
All the gay dancers rollerskate?
Madonna had rollerskating?
Johnny! Johnny!
Johnny, Johnny, hey, hey!
Hey, you OK? Can you hear me?
Johnny! Jesus! Jesus!
Dispatch! Dispatch! 10-13.
Officer down, dispatch.
Officer down. We need an
Ambulance asap. Where are we,
Where are we? 131St and
St. Nick. We need an ambulance
Now. Partner shot. Three shots
To the chest. We need backup.
We need an ambulance. 10-13.
Hey, Johnny, you OK, Johnny?
Can you hear me? They're coming,
Johnny, they're coming!